Retired Husband at Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.

All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below:

MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton

Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    And last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

A baby boomer was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the '60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,".
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about!
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. The doctor thought for a moment, then says," Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun ". The doctor continued, " So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him ." That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion. "Exactly," said the Doc.